I think I know how it feels like to fight against something bigger than myself.
When I first started Jiu-Jitsu, and got smashed by the bigger opponents (they still do by the way), I blamed my size for it, or worse, I blamed their sizes for it. Then I stayed on the mats longer, and witnessed how the small-framed professors smashing all the big boys, only to realise it was not about the size. So, I stopped whining about the bulk difference (because come to think about it, the big boys never complained about my flexibility anyway) and started to be determined to be like them, small but fearless. I made it a point to learn the techniques correctly and write them down everyday and have a revision session before bed time. It was the techniques, and the strong will to overcome my own weakness that I started to be better. When I am less fearful of my weakness, I am more confident to move with my best potential.
However, it was a pity I could not see this in my life for so long. For all I know I was fighting this gigantic monster in my head for the longest time. I blamed the size of this monster and its aggressiveness. It consumed every part of my life and imprisoned me in my own head. I wasn’t free. At times, it fed me false happiness that I gullibly received. Then it bit me again and again, waited for me to get better just to bring me down even deeper. I could have fought this monster damn well, but I did not, I was too busy blaming on the unfair fight. I didn’t believe in myself. I didn’t believe that I could have done it. So, I gave up. I gave up on me. I let the monster creep into my brain every time there was an opportunity.
Now, it is time I stand up to it. For the time I have been fighting it, it was not my strength, it was the strength coming from my loved ones, (special thanks to mom, sister, MinLi, Menty, Michelle and you), they put me up on my own feet and like controlling a puppet, they tried hard to make me fight. They believed in me while I did not believe in myself, and it was hurtful. They wanted me to be better, while I unwittingly gave up fighting. To the ones who have been there for me, though your names are not mentioned, especially my professors, and my rolling partners, you guys have helped me in one way or the other. Every laugh, every smile, every “good morning!” counts. It’s about time I gather my strength and have a plan fighting this monster. And SUBMISSION is the only way to not let it consume me further. Because HIP ESCAPING is just not good enough. I need to be on top. I need to be ahead of myself. I need to find that BALANCE on top so I will not be toppled over by its sweeps anymore.
To my loved ones, family and friends, I feel loved by you guys. I feel the need to get up on my own and lighten your burden of carrying me, you guys have done more than enough. I have been doing my best. But I need to be even better.
And this is another way Jiu-Jitsu saves my life.
Oss! Keep on rolling!
Image credit to: http://www.joshburton.com/gallerific/cg/images/FacingYourGiants_Title.jpg